MACBETH: We meet again, you foul and midnight hags!
For what you told me first has now come true,
And so I come again to ask you more.
I know that you can see into the future . . .

WITCH: We knew that that was what you were going to say . . . !
Get on with it. We haven't got all day.

MACBETH: Next month is Christmas. Tell me here and now
What presents I shall get when that day dawns!

WITCH: Oh, you are bold, to ask for prior knowledge
Of all the ghastly presents on your list!
Are you quite sure you wish to know the truth!

MACBETH: Yes, yes, I am. So let me know the worst!!

WITCH: Looming through the mist I see
The new Ben Schott Miscellany!

MACBETH: God - Is there really one for me?

WITCH: No, not one, not two, but three!
Another book I see come sailing . . .
Himalaya, by Michael Palin.
And what is this on DVD?
Shrek 2! Next year, I'm sure, Shrek 3!
Ah ! the collected box of "Friends" !

MACBETH: Friends was last year!

WITCH: It never ends!
And what is this? Ah - Live Band Aid
- The day the bands all played and played
And played and played and played -

MACBETH: All right!

WITCH: And then they played and played all night!
And where did all the money go?
Not to the starving, that I know!

MACBETH: Enough of that! Of that, enough!

WITCH: Well, then there's all the usual stuff.
Bottle of Baileys. Loads of ties.
Pair of slippers, in the wrong size.
Things for the garden, secateurs;
Nice new bathrobes, his and hers.
Brand new iPod, full of song,
To help all joggers jog along
Eye of newt, leg of frog,
Fenny snake, tongue of dog . . .

MACBETH:
Leg of frog, fenny snake?
Surely there is some mistake?

WITCH: No, sir, we are not mistook.
They are from a new cookbook
Entitled: "You Can Eat It All!"
By Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.
And that is all. There is no more.
That is your final Christmas score.

Miles Kington Dec 2004